Emerald City Attraction Part One
Much ado has been made about how lopsided the current dating scene is in Seattle (high male-to-female ratio) and how frustrating it can be for single (heterosexual) men in a city overrun with highly-educated, overpaid technology professionals. I’ve decided to write a series of advice columns in an effort to address this unique and peculiar phenomenon and help everyone from the New-to-Town Amazon Software Engineer to the Hipster Barista navigate these challenging waters and find a mate.
Let’s get this straight
I always get asked four specific questions: “(1) Chris, why are you only writing about young, heterosexual males? (2) Are you sexist? (3) Homophobic? (4) Altogether intolerant?”. I am more than happy to address these questions to quell any building resentment and defend my status as a progressive (flaming) liberal.
- Keep reading. Seriously.
- No. Keep reading; specifically the next section.
- No. But I’m straight and any attempt to offer suggestions around the gay dating scene would make me sound incredibly ignorant (For example, suggesting someone just go to Pony or the Wild Rose) and I hate it when people make fun of me.
- No; I totally voted for Kshama Sawant.
For all the ladies
Since I promised not to leave the ladies out, I’ll spend a few pixels to provide a fail-safe method for single (straight) female Seattleites to find a mate. I’ve broken it down to three easy steps; if these don’t work 100% of the time, I will personally set you up with a friend of mine who is in a band (they redefined the “Noise Set”):
- Take a shower. If you live in a punk house with no running water, light some dry sage and spin eight times (counterclockwise) through the smoke. If you don’t have any dried sage on hand, you obviously don’t live in Seattle and should stop reading this or move here immediately.
- Walk outside. Wait 5–10 minutes. At this point, every male in the immediate vicinity will have noticed you standing outside (alone) and started walking towards you (this behavior can be likened to how the undead “walkers” in the television show Walking Dead behave when one of the characters makes an inadvertent noise).
- Survey the growing crowd, choose a male with a beard of appropriate length (bonus points for flannel; triple points for a flannel layered on top of a flannel) and shout “YOU!” while pointing directly at said male. He will approach, offer you a gift (or produce his most recent pay stub from Amazon) and accompany you to the nearest coffee shop for his subsequent interrogation.
If this strategy doesn’t work, you have either burning the wrong kind of leaves (ask your local shaman where to find proper sage bundles) or you’re being obscured by an obstacle (do not hide in a bush or other vegetation, as men will only approach if you are in their direct line of sight).
As I mentioned above, if this method doesn’t work, please email me directly and I’ll get you a coffee date with The Guy Who’s Totally In A Band.
One last thing before we begin
You will notice a single, underlying theme that weaves its way through every entry in this series and none of this advice may not make sense until you understand one key point:
Don’t appear to try. Ever.
There is nothing more unattractive to a female Seattleite than a man who appears to be trying (not trying too hard; simply trying at all) to catch or maintain her attention. Allow me to offer a couple examples:
- You ironed your shirt this morning? You’re a corporate slave, and corporations are totally the reason we had a shitty ski season last year. Moreso, you probably drive a BMW that is rear-wheel drive and doesn’t even have a roof rack.
- You’re wearing a sweatshirt from an Ivy League university? You think you’re showing off your intelligence (or family connections) but in fact, you are advertising the fact that you attended a college that actually gives grades (it’s so conformist; you should have gone to Antioch) and has a football team (sports? yuck!).
The basis of success (when it comes to attracting a female mate in Seattle) is counter-intuitive to what most therapists, sex columnists, self-help authors and experts in the field (including this dude, who has some remarkable and data-based stuff to say in his book about attracting a mate that fails to address the intricacies of the scene in Seattle) will tell you to do. Most will tell you the key to finding and keeping a mate is “being yourself” and contingent on mountains of self-awareness, vulnerability and confidence.
In a city where there are literally thousands of men for each single woman, you’re going to need an edge, and that edge is making it incredibly clear that you put no thought or effort into anything about yourself or your life (even if you actually do).
I’ll explain this in depth in a later entry, as the idea is deep and important enough to warrant being written about and dissected over the course of thousands of pages. I am far too lazy and certainly not patient enough to embark on writing what would surely be the most important literary work of our time.
First things first: Look the part
Still reading? Great! Let’s get started with the first part of the series: what to do about your appearance (specifically your hair and body type in this first entry).
If you’re lucky enough to be in the proximity of a female who hasn’t already been mobbed by other single men, you don’t have time to make an impression with your wicked sense of humor or tell her that you’re totally in a band (seriously, we just got back from a tour down the West Coast!).
You have one moment, or sometimes one glance, to catch her attention and communicate your attractiveness non-verbally; and you want… neigh, NEED… that snap impression to be a good one.
Were you expecting this post to include actionable advice? So was I, but like eight Facebook people told me the entry was already too long.
The next two entries are all about the perfect hair and how to fine-tune your body, so keep reading!
Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They invent. They imagine.
They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world,
are the ones who do.